Why do I find it so hard to be joyful most days...you know throughout the day to day. I am sure, am sure, am sure God has me as John's wife, my children's mother, a mama-teacher, a christian friend, a nurse, a sister, a daughter for his purpose and for the purpose of glorifying him but do I smile about it every hour...every day even? Do I thank God for his plan even though I don't understand? Do I give God my worries, my distress, my irritations? Do I thank him for having food to feed my kids or do I whine that I have to feed them for the 4th time today? Do I find joy and laughter and thanks in the little things like having to wash Molly's hands for the 100th time today? No, I don't....I wonder somedays if all my kids have seen is a frown....
Do I sound depressed yet? I think some of it is that my oldest is at that critical point...I see my bad choices, my tone, my behavior, my worries, my sin, my critical spirit looking back at me...No, I don't think I've damaged her BUT I do think that these days are numbered...the days of being able to put in her what I know God wants me to and see the blessing and not the burden...and I mess up SO much! How LONG do I have to figure out how to live a life full of joy.....So my kids can have memories of a mom that smiles, listens long, laughs, enjoys the days? It is hard and I guess as the saying goes, anything worth doing is hard work.....and so I continue. As I was talking to a friend last Monday (we talk deep and long about life each monday) about so many Christian teens leaving their faith, even ones that were homeschooled and "perfect from the outside looking in" kinds of kids, we discussed that we are doing it "right" in all the tangible ways we can think of....John and I have a good marriage, we show affection towards one another, we pray as a family, we attend church, we "shelter" our children, we read the Bible, we have our own quiet times, we sing, we go to Sunday School, we serve, we volunteer, we teach Bible Studies....but here's the kicker...do we love abundantly, especially to those right in this house....do we have JOY and LOVE on a daily basis. I will be honest...lately I've been a real grump...so again, HOW LONG DO I HAVE TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO LIVE A LIFE FULL OF JOY? How long do I have to learn how to give grace to my husband and children because He gives me SO much grace? I told John the other day, "I just want to do it all right" and my dear husband said, "it isn't suppose to be easy...it's not going to be, you can count on that!" And it reminded me of this song that the kids and I sing around here a lot lately....."All I know is that I'm not home yet, this is not where I belong, take this world and give me Jesus, this is not where I belong!" We are not promised easy or perfect...it will be difficult and the JOY is knowing that this is not my home! So while I'm here on this earth, living in an imperfect world, with imperfect people, an imperfect husband, imperfect children, and living with my guilt and sorriness of an imperect self....the only thing to do is look UP and ask daily for God to give me GRACE, LOVE, JOY, HUMBLENESS to deal with the issues that suck joy out of my life on a daily basis. I desire with all my heart for my kids to see their mom smile, for lessons to be learned with Grace and Humility, I want my home to be a place of peace and love and comfort. I want us to live together in this home with JOY that can only come from the LORD!
My friend and I are reading a book called The Happiness Project. It has prompted me to take on my own sort of project...called the JOY PROJECT. I'm not sure exactly what is going to look like but I know that I want to concentrate on the things within and not the "perfect on the outside" things...I will go to God daily to ask for His help. I will confess my sin hourly if I have to and go to my husband and children to ask for forgiveness. I will make a list of the silly things and big things that suck joy out of my day, I will pray over these things, ask God if it is something I can change or just put into his hands, I will make a gratitude list. I will enter into HIS courts through the gates of thanksgiving (psalm 100:4) and pray that I find fullness of Joy (psalm 16:11). I will be writing about different stages of my Joy Project because it is therapeutic and I've read so much on blogs, in books, in the Bible, etc that is feels good to put it all together on paper. I will practice love, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, joy, peace, and self control. On the top of my list is to EVERYDAY ask God for these things...second on my list is to give that nagging list of joy snatchers to God...put it in his lap if you will....and thirdly, not yell. 1 Kings 19:12 "And after the earthquake there was a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire there was the sound of a gentle whisper." I want to be the gentle whisper of this house....when there is disobedience, frustration, and tension...the quiet whisper....
So here's to a new day and the first day of April.....The JOY PROJECT!
No comments:
Post a Comment